Krishnayena Barade ?

Everything is just so confusing. I seem to be living in some kind of vicious cycle..I keep finding myself back where I started, for the umpteenth time ! 

I know that I am so very blessed. I am so so grateful to Krishna . For everything. For this life, for all the good things in it..for  Him..
But , I cant help wishing that some things were not the way they are. 

Instead of letting them bring me down,  I really should try to be more of the person that Krishna would like me to be.  Again. 


And leave the rest to Krishna .

A Search

Dear Krishna,

You have always been a part of my life, right from my childhood till now. I kind of let you go as i grew older. You still fascinated me , but I thought of you as someone who lived thousands of years ago, as God..Sometimes I wished  you were real, but how should I know if you are . So you remained as such, in the border between imagination and reality.

But now (has been a few years now), Krishna, you are back and this time youre here to stay :) There is this issue of you being real/God/just a historical figure etc..
Every now and then,  doubts about your existence and true nature keep surfacing in my mind . How is a girl supposed to find an answer to this age old question? Still, I have tried to and reached a conclusion that satisfies my mind, at least. (That is going to be a different post). 

 All the scriptures and holy books agree upon the idea that God is the all pervading Universal energy. The concept of calling out to the Universe is too vague for me. I have tried to use the ' Law of Attraction' to try and heal myself of a genetic condition that I have. It was kind of a desperate attempt. And i got a horrible migraine headache in the process . My body cant take that much of energy,I get one if I am feeling very high or too low .  Great.

Anyway,  Krishna, you as the Supreme Brahman though powerful..seems too impersonal and distant  .  

The Krishna whom we know and love  is none other than the  all powerful, formless Supreme Soul. Its so much easier to surrender myself to Krishna and trust him with things that may not be in our control. When I lose myself in thoughts of  you, like by listening to songs about you or reading about you, your lilas ..the happiness and peace is so great..yet somehow i feel like I have to be in your world and time . Its like you remain there, and I have to come back to my world as it is..without you in it. Alone to deal with all that life hands out.  

Then it finally hit me. You were right here in my world and I didnt realise it , you as Guruvayoorappan.  Becoz, you Guruvayoorappa is my lovable own God.. you are my personal God. He is everyone's, in whatever form or name they choose to call him by.  Krishna's relationship with his devotees is on a very personal level..we make him so deeply involved in our lives..dont we?  Hmm..how do I put it? In one blog on Krishna, a devotee was saying how Krishna takes a special form for each of us, so that He is more accessible to us in this age..Took me long enough to realise that :)

Krishna you are only as distant as we imagine you to be. Instead of searching for you in the Universe , in Vrindavan or anywhere else, I know where I'll find you . 

Right here with me :) 

Yours,
Lost Gopi

PS: I've often felt that when I need to find the will to do something hard or deal with something , it takes him to get me to do it. I have to convince myself to do it for his sake , to not let him down . Though i have, lots of times.  I know devotees who gather strength from Krishnas words and his life.   There are people who radiate happiness and warmth, who  makes the lives of others a little better, whose actions remind you of him. Maybe thats what people mean when they search for God and find him in their own minds. They say, God is in us..Yes, Krishna is in us too :)

Dancing by the light of the Moon

                 Na jaane tose kaun yugon ka naata..                             

It was Sharad Purnima and I was outside on the terrace of my home staring at the full  moon and thinking of Krishna..

Five thousand years back, on a beautiful  night in autumn , Krishna played his enchanting flute..It was on this night that the Gopis of Vrindavan danced the Maha Raas with Krishna..

Reader, you are warned of the craziness that followed..
I made sure that no neighbors were peeping out from behind their curtains and the members of my family were all safely occupied in worldly matters.  Then i put the song  'Kanha re..thoda sa pyaar de' (from Ramanand Sagars  tv serial 'Sri Krishna') on my phone and danced ! :)

I danced by the light of the moon, the moon, the big yellow moon, lol.. 
Danced for krishna,  closed my eyes and imagined him dancing  with me .

It felt SO amazing to dance like that!! I felt deliriously happy! :)

The pic is just something i put together in paint  that night . I know, its not a great piece of work. But I was overwhelmed with how Krishnas love is eternal..how it transcends time and space..And tell me you havent looked at the moon, and imagined to see Krishnas face smiling at you!  In Sagars Krishna , there's this song 'Na Jaane Tose kaun yugon ka naata' ..I particularly love these lines from it.

Behti jaaye samay ki dhara
The stream of Time continues to flow      
 Prem jahaan tha vahi khada muskaata,
Love just stands still and smiles

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Krishna re, tose janam janam ka naata
Oh Krishna, my bond with you lasts through every lifetime.

Dont you ?